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Lurk Lurk Lurk   
01:49pm 30/05/2006
  Ok...so I haven't posted here in about a bazillion years (or a few months, whatever), so here's a post...and all it is is one of those things...leave a comment and...

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll challenge you to try something.
3. I'll pick a color that I associate with you.
4. I'll tell you something I like about you.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on yours
08:29pm 02/02/2006
  I found out today that my grandpa (the one I actually care about, not the useless sack of shit that should have died years ago) has cancer...they found it early, so his chances are pretty good, but I'm still all worried, you know?

     Read 1 - Post
It's a fine line...   
11:57am 20/01/2006
mood: crushed
...between gradual acceptance and homicidal insanity, I wonder where that line is...'cause I certainly haven't seen it yet, and this side of the line is very cold...and there are wolves after me.
     Read 2 - Post
Wow...long time no write...   
11:39am 25/06/2005
mood: nostalgic
Well, now...here I am. How am I? I think I'm good...I think I'm fine. I'm still stuck in this wonderful land known as foreign...but at least I'm a little more in touch with myself. It's hotter than balls...but I'm dealing. I've been very nostalgic lately...been trying to get ahold of a few people I used to know, but it's hard. I suppose if they read this, they'll know where to get in touch...if they want to...
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Found this on Staraphobia's LJ...figured I had nothing better to do...   
06:50pm 14/02/2004
  Name Four Bad Habits You Have:
Being far too emotional
Plotting the deaths of certain people (you know who you are...grrrr...)
Social axiety

Name Four Things That You Wish You Had:
Absolute immunity
Infinite resources
An hour with each one of my enemies
A kitty...I left mine back in the states...

Name Four People That Know You the Best:

Name Four Things You'd Never Wear:
A walrus
Steve Martin
A pile of writhing maggots

Name Four Things You Are Thinking About Now:
Murderous rage (not at Shay)
How much I dislike being here
Kitties...what? I like kitties.

Name Four Things That You Have Done Today:
Woke up...
...realized there was no reason to, and that I really didn't want to face the day...
Went back to sleep
Walked two miles to my shop and used the internet...still am...

Name the Last Four Things You Have Bought:
Books on swordsmithing
Minutes on my phone card

Name Four People You Would Like To Spend More Time With:

Name Four Bands/Groups Most People Don't Know You Like:
Great Big Sea

Name The Last Four Worst Events That Have Happened To You:
The Shaisa Debacle
Being stuck 5,135 miles away from everything I know and love
Elijah Wong being killed in Iraq last Monday (Feb 9th)
...I don't want to talk about it...

5 Things you are wearing
I'm not wearing five things...I'm only wearing four...

Black cords
Fuzzy shirt

5 things you can see
A cow
A flashlight
A dirty plate
An Air Force Form 1071
The blue paper the cow is standing on

5 things you are doing right now
Being alone
Thinking fairly morose thoughts

5 things you ate in the last 24 hours
I haven't eaten five things...
Pepperoni Croissant Pocket

5 things you can hear right now
The keys being typed
The air recirculator...
...my breath...
...um...that's all...

10 people who need to eat shit
Josh...yes, I said it! I finally outright said it in a medium you can see! Vivisection with a crane!!! YOU ARE WARNED!!!! *pant pant* Whew...I feel a lot better...thanks! ^_^
Ash...not little Ash, big Ash. Yes, I said it again!!! HA!!! I don't even know you, and I already hate you!!! GRRRAAAWWWWWOWOOOWWWW!!!!!!!! *pant pant pant* ...once again I feel better...it's amazing how blind rage can get things out of your system. Erm...no offense, Ash...it's not personal, it's territorial...ask Shay. Oy...I'm a mess...
Les's boyfriend who's a complete dick because he thinks I'm out for her just because she likes hanging out with me...fucking prick.
Billy Bob Thorton
Most politicians
And, most of all, myself...

1. What do you most like about your body?:
It used to be my arms and shoulders...but they suck now...um...probably (as cliché as this sounds) my dick...I think it's very nice.

And least?:
My stomach...it's starting to grow!! WAH!!

Do you think you're good looking?:
I used to.

1. Do you wear a watch?:
Yep...wouldn't survive long in the military without it.

1. Do your friends 'know' you?:

2. What do they tend to be like?:
Don't know...haven't seem them in months...I hate Europe

3. Are there traits in you that are universally liked?:
My sweetness and warm demenor...seriously...

4. How many people do you tell everything to?:

1. Favorite bands ever?:
Ever? The Blue Collar Band, S.W.E.K., Apocalyptica, Sha Na Na, and the Soviet Red Choir.

2. Most listened to bands(lately):
Cradle of Filth and Go Sailor!

3. Do you find any musicians good-looking?:

4. Can you play an instrument?:
[QUOTE] I can play the skin flute. *Snicker*

Indeed you can...ANYWAY...yes, I can.

5. Type of music never listened to?:
Alien Classical Ghetto-Booty Wham Ding SHORINJII Lach Ness Mambo Tango Foxtrot Waltz 5534327XX&$(

1. Who is the smartest (wo)man alive at the moment?:
I don't know

2. What do you prefer, a sunny or rainy day?:
Severe electrical storms

3. Do you consider yourself lucky?:
Yes, and at the same time a resounding no...

4. Do you feel pity for people who commit suicide?:

5. One word to describe how you feel most often:

6. One word to describe how you feel most as of lately:
VERY bitter...and yes, I know that was two words, I did it for emphasis.
     Read 1 - Post
Working Stiff   
04:32pm 01/02/2004
mood: morose
Work sucks...I mean it really sucks. Getting up at oh-dark-thirty in the morning, dragging my ass across this pitiful base to work at least nine hours a day, then haul same ass across base again to get to my college class, then back to my sorry excuse for a room in which I spend my remaining free moments either studying, whacking off, or sleeping. I look at the other rubes on base and discover that while most of their jobs are terribly boring, they're also terribly easy. I think the optomitrists have it best...they bullshit most of the day and occassionally give people a glasses prescription, they have next to no equipment that they deploy with, and they generally don't do much else. I hate this country, I hate my collegues, and I REALLY hate the fact that I was looking forward to this for all those weeks I was on hold. I have a deep-seeded fear that my life will be a series of self-dissapointments leading to an ultimate desire simply for it all to end...and I'm sure that will be dissapointing too. I have no friends here...no family...no one I even remotely care for...and no forseeable way out that doesn't involve permanent disfigurement, a long stay in a federal prison, or death.
Alright, that's it, I've had enough...   
09:07pm 24/09/2003
mood: mellow
I'm sick and fucking tired of being miserable. For those few of you who read my fairly nondescript random bitching, you must think me a horribly bitter person...which, to a degree, I am right now. But I usually only write in this thing when I'm at my lowest moments, which is why it comes off as really fucking depressing. So, I decided to put up a non-bad post. I'm not happy right now, but I'm not all angsty at the moment. Maybe I should actually start using this as a journal, eh? Alright, I think I will.

*eh-hem* Day 1 -
Well, I didn't go into work today as I really didn't feel like it. It's not like I do anything there anyway. There was supposed to be a range mission, which would mean I'd get to blow stuff up...but odds are we would have ended up working until seven, which I was -not- in the mood for. Instead I played Return to Castle Wolfenstein and watched the Happy Tree Friends. I then, having decided that being in a relationship and miserable is better (or at least a refreshing change) than being alone and miserable. There's this girl here that has been showing some interest, but I haven't really persued the option as I didn't know how long I'd be here plus there was the prospect of someone back home (and I didn't want to skirt the line of infidelity even though fidelity really didn't enter into it)...but now the prospect reneged on just about everything she had professed, so I decided to "screw the bitch, and lose her like last week's condom" which people have been telling me (although not in those words) for months. So, having cut away the spare baggage, I feel a little better about life and might start looking for some fresh romance or something along those lines.

You know, life isn't all that bad...it's just that my life as of late has been fairly worthless (in as far as what I'm doing with it). But maybe, if I get a relationship off the ground, I will at least be able to take something away from these 10 weeks. So, here goes nothing...
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A Trip Down Memory Lane   
02:15pm 19/09/2003
mood: nostalgic
I've been thinking a lot lately about the last two years or so of my life...mostly good things for once. I remember before I left for basic, running around and seeing people I hadn't seen in months or even years. I remember rebuilding bridges I thought burnt beyond recognition and rekindling flames I thought long extinguished. I remember driving out to Iowa City with my friend Gary for no other reason but it was there... I remember the car wreck in Muscatine where we gave the guy whose car was trashed a ride home and had an interesting discussion... I remember wrecking havoc on the schooolgrounds of Assumption in the dead of night... I remember what I thought was a last encounter that sparked a whirlwind two weeks that involved two altercations with the cops, a walk in the dead of night with total strangers from a pool we had just fled, and passionfruit body lubricant... I remember new friends who are working on becoming old friends... I remember why goats make me nervous... I remember cruising with a carload of drunken, stoned, caffine-ridden idiots belting out Japanese pop-music off-key as loud as we could while screaming public service messages to the pedestrians...

...Those were some good times...
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Roommates suck...   
08:49pm 18/09/2003
mood: infuriated
I just got a new roommate, six fricking weeks on my own and they decide to saddle me with a fucking newbie. He's not bad, but I have a problem with being inconciderate to people I live with...meaning I have to settle down in the evenings because he's trying to sleep and shit. And now I can't wander aroung the room naked anymore...and I have to justify it when I pee in the sink. Man, this blows. I would dispatch him, but after the last four roommates I think they're starting to get suspicious.

Blast, smeg, blood and bones!!!
Wow, I Can Run Really Fast   
07:33pm 17/09/2003
mood: drained
Today I set a new personal best on the 2-mile run...10:23 Wheeee!!

I also discovered that I can sprint a quarter mile at about 1:07

I still hate running, though
You know...   
10:18pm 16/09/2003
mood: crazy
...when one thinks about it, there is really not much difference between eating a small child and eating a small dog, except you save more money by eating the child plus there is a lot more meat on it.
08:45pm 16/09/2003
mood: discontent
Cold flesh
Knotted muscles straining
Fighting against the bitter chill
Striving on just this side of vainity
Barely clinging to a semblance of life
Pulling, pulling free of the embrace
The embrace of the mother
Sightless eyes view the world
Wordless lips quiver on a palid face
A silent heart like a hunk of frozen meat
Lays heavy in a chest that does not breathe
Blood pools in the near useles limbs
Frigid as black ice
Ears that hear nothing adorn a head
In which no thought passes through
The brain that does not hold that spark
Which makes something alive
Yet somehow this creature,
This abomination walks
And no one is the wiser
Shuffling feet carry it
Down the crowded streets
Shoving its way through the hoards
And no one cares
No one sees
Because they are all as it is
Empty husks that hold no passion
The living dead
With no ambition
And no hope
They do not fear death
For they died long before death came to claim them
One Last Batch of Lyrics   
08:39pm 16/09/2003
mood: touched
I only want to say
If there is a way
Take this cup away from me
For I don't want to taste its poison
Feel it burn me,
I have changed I'm not as sure
As when we started

Then I was inspired
Now I'm sad and tired
Listen surely I've exceeded
Tried for three years
Seems like thirty
Could you ask as much
From any other man?

But if I die
See this saga through
And do the things you ask of me
Let them hate me, hit me, hurt me
Nail me to their tree
I want to know
I want to know my God
I want to know
I want to know my God
I want to see
I want to see my God
I want to see
I want to see my God

Why I should die
Would I be more noticed
Than I ever was before?
Would the things I've said and done
Matter any more?
I have to know
I have to know my Lord
I have to know
I have to know my Lord
I have to see
I have to see my Lord
I have to see
I have to see my Lord

If I die what will be my reward?
If I die what will be my reward?
I'd have to know
I'd have to know my Lord
I'd have to know
I'd have to know my Lord

Why, why should I die?
Oh, why should I die?
Can you show me now
That I would not be killed in vain?
Show me just a little
Of your omnipresent brain
Show me there's a reason
For your wanting me to die
You're far too keen on where and how
But not so hot on why

Alright I'll die!
Just watch me die!
See how, see how I die!
Oh, just watch me die!

...Then I was inspired
Now I'm sad and tired
After all I've tried for three years
Seems like ninety
Why then am I scared
To finish what I started
What you started
I didn't start it

God thy will is hard
But you hold every card
I will drink your cup of poison
Nail me to your cross and break me
Bleed me, beat me
Kill me, take me now
Before I change my mind
Even More Lyrics   
08:25pm 16/09/2003
mood: thoughtful
It's over now I know inside
No one will ever know
The sorry tale of Edward Hyde
And those who died
No one must ever know
They'd only see the tragedy
They'd not see my intent
The shadow of Hyde's evil
Would forever kill the good
That I had meant

Am I a good man?
Am I a mad man?
There's such a fine line
Between a good man and a...

-Do you really think
That I would ever let you go?
Did you think
That I would set you free?
If you do, I'm sad to say,
It really isn't so
You will never get away from me!-

All that you are is a face in the mirror,
I close my eyes and you dissapear!

-I'm what you face when you face in the mirror
Long as you live I will still be here!-

All that you are is the end of a nightmare
All that you are is a dying scream
After tonight I will end this demon dream!

-This is not a dream, my friend,
And it will never end!
This one is the nightmare that goes on!
Hyde is here to stay,
No matter what you may pretend
And he'll flourish long after you're gone!-

Soon you will die and my memory will hide you
You cannot choose but to loose control!

-You can't control me, I live deep inside you!
Each day you'll feel me devour your soul!-

I don't need you to survive like you need me
I'll become whole while you dance with death
And I'll rejoice as you breathe your final breath!

-Oh, I'll live inside you forever!-


-With Satan, himself, by my side!-


-And I know that, now and forever,
They'll never be able to seperate Jekyll from Hyde!-

Can't you see it's over now?
It's time to die!

-No, not I!
Only you!-

If I die
Then you'll die too!

-You'll die in me,
I'll BE you!-

Damn you, Hyde!
Leave me be!

-Can't you see?
You are me!-

No! Deep inside...

-I am pure, YOU are Hyde!-

No! Never!

-Yes! Forever!-

God damn you Hyde!
Take all your evil deeds
And rot in Hell!

-I'll see you there, Jekyll!-
More Lyrics   
08:23pm 16/09/2003
mood: devious
Attend the tale of Sweeney Todd.
His skin was pale, and his eye was odd.
He shaved the faces of gentlemen
who never thereafter were heard of again.
He trod a path that few have trod,
did Sweeney Todd,
the Demon Barber of Fleet Street.

He kept a shop in London Town
of fancy clients and good renown.
And what if none of their souls were saved?
They went to their Maker impeccably shaved
by Sweeney, by Sweeney Todd
the Demon Barber of Fleet Street.

Swing your razor wide, Sweeney,
hold it to the skies!
Freely flows the blood of those who moralize.

His needs were few, his room was bare:
a lavabo and a fancy chair,
a mug of suds and a leather strop,
an apron, a towel, a pail and a mop.
For neatness he deserved a nod,
did Sweeney Todd,
the Demon Barber of Fleet Street.

Inconspicuous, Sweeney was,
quick and quiet and clean, he was.
Back of his smile, under his word,
Sweeney heard music that nobody heard.
Sweeney pondered, and Sweeney planned,
like a perfect machine, he planned.
Sweeney was smooth, Sweeney was subtle
Sweeney would blink, and rats would scuttle.
Sweeney, Sweeney, Sweeney, Sweeney, Sweeney!

Attend the tale of Sweeney Todd.
He served a dark and hungry god.
To seek revenge may lead to hell,
but everyone does it, and seldom as well
as Sweeney
as Sweeney Todd
the Demon Barber of Fleet Street.
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wagn'nagl fhtagn   
06:24pm 16/09/2003
mood: blah
You know, this world needs more giant, undulating, semi-formed squid-dragon-gods that like to drive men mad and consume them...

Plus a few sentient space fungi from Yuggoth that like to remove brains would be nice...
Thoughts and Random Shit   
06:06pm 16/09/2003
mood: irate
I've been in limbo for so long that I wonder if my real life will ever resurface. My life was my friends, but then I had to leave...so then life became my training, now I've completed that training...and still I remain. So now I'm waiting, waiting for a simple piece of paper with the appropriate signatures to release me to my life again. But week after week it persists. Nine weeks now, nine weeks of my life that have been utterly wasted...because I have nothing to use the time on. My writing has fallen into disarray and I cannot dredge it's depths without finding the results lacking. It's a fairly depressing situation... I have a life...it's just on hold for the moment. I have friends and loved ones, I'll be doing stuff that few people get to do...hell, I get paid $1,450 a month to blow shit up...in theory, but I haven't been able to do my job as I don't have that magical paper and those mystical signatures. Sooner or later I'll do to jump school, and sniper school...they'll make a combat operative out of me...but not until I get that wonderous paper... I'll be able to whisk friends off to Germany and have a ball...but not until I get that splediforous paper...

Ever since school I've hate the concept that ink on a sheet of paper can decide the course of your life; and this is more of the same...this is the principle in action. Because of this one sheet of paper I have spent nine weeks of my life that I'll never get back...

And worst of all I'm in a state of heightened mental activity, I have plans and ideas flying through my head but no outlet for them.

05:56pm 16/09/2003
mood: energetic
Lord of Battle, I pray on bended knee
Conquest by the rising sun
I wait for thy command with flame and blood at hand
Glory and a broken sword
I am the master of the world
I have no fear of man or beast
Born inside the soul of the world
Riding hard, breaking bone
With steel and stone
Eternal might I was born to wield

Let us drink to the battles we've lived and we've fought
Celebrate the pain and havoc we have wrought
Great heroes charge into the fight
From the north to the south in the black of night

The clash of honor calls, to stand when others fall
Gods of War, feel the power of my sword

So, drink to the battles we've lived and we've fought
Celebrate the pain and havoc we have wrought
Great heroes charge into the fight
From the north to the south in the black of night

Fierce is my blade, fierce is my hate
Born to die in battle, I laugh at my fate
Now pay in blood, when your blood has been spilled
You're never forgiven, death is fulfilled

The clash of honor calls, to stand when others fall
Gods of War, feel the power of my sword

There's blood on my hands, there is blood in my eyes
With blood in my voice I scream as you die
Thirsting for vengence and mounds of the slain
Shaking the forest unto the plain

Fierce is my blade, fierce is my hate
Born to die in battle, I laugh at my fate
Now pay in blood, when your blood has been spilled
You're never forgiven, death is fulfilled

The clash of honor calls, to stand when others fall
Gods of War, feel the power of my sword
The clash of honor calls, to stand when others fall
Gods of War, feel the power of my sword
They will know the power of my sword
They will know the power of my sword

They will know the power of thy sword
Stalking my Prey   
08:40pm 15/09/2003
mood: predatory
For some reason I feel like a hunter in the darkness, plotting and weaving an inexorable web of intricate fibers to snare that which I hunt. Then, when they are mine, I'll bide my time in finishing them...slowly and painfully, like a cat toying with a bird, until the whole ordeal culminates in an orgy of blood and slaughter involving things so horrendous that I don't care to mention because it would lessen the shock.

Yes...soon they will be in my clutches...
Staraphobia's List   
01:28pm 11/09/2003
mood: satisfied
(1) Staraphobia needs objectivity.

(2) Staraphobia is heroin.

(3) Staraphobia should learn to live.

(4) When I think of Staraphobia, I want to write sonnets or put my fist through a windshield...and I've done both.

(5) Life with out Staraphobia is safer, in much the same way as a cancer ward is safe.

(6) I want to fuck the beezeesus out of Staraphobia.

(7) Staraphobia makes me more happy and more angry than one can possibly comprehend.

(8) If I go to an adult shop, I would buy Staraphobia another ball-gag so the goddamned cops wouldn't show up again.

(9) When Staraphobia is flirting with me, odd things go through my mind.

(10) Staraphobia is a little bit crazy for my overwhleming machismo.

(11) In an ideal world, Staraphobia would be happy.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: It took me a good long time to pick out the correct wording to use on #6, but I -knew- that I had to get it just right for the desired effect. And something tells me it had just that... ^_^ *happy*